SuperMassiveBlackHole

I dont know how I let it happen again;
I'm falling for my best friend all over.
I thought it would stop in January when he and I got back together, that things would go back to just friends no feelings.
Now that he smothered my heart you have taken up the light, you were there for me, and all I want to do now is be there for you, and I dont know how I passed you up then, or why its so bad now...

FML.

and for the record... I wish I was born as stated below for my fathers sake.

I have the most wonderful mother and she loves me as I am and is proud of me, and I know that.
So please dont be mistaken when I say that.

That is all.

Money Talks.

Im sorry I wasnt born a crisp, green bill fold.
I think, maybe if I was, my father would care more about me.

He called me today pretending to care about whats going on in my life and to make sure I
"understand why he cant make it to graduation".
So pretty much so I dont think hes a schmuck.

He asked to speak with my mom, which is never going to end well.

From the couch I could hear her side, defending me and being the wonderful mom I wish everyone had.
I could tell from her end it was, once again, making this about money.

If he really thought this was important he would make the effort.
I know this.
He knows this.
Mom knows this.

His surgery for his shoulder is in three days, but because of it he cant make it to graduation.
Im not sure if hes seen a calender in a while but graduation is 2 weeks from today.
That means he has 11 days to suck it up and get on a plane for 2 hours..sit through the 4 hour ceremony, pretend to be proud of me, and then can go home to his "real family".

I knew in the 5th grade he would never be at my high school graduation.
I knew it then and I expected it now, but I allowed myself to hope, again.
And as of late just about anything I had hope in was a total and complete failure, blowing up in my face.

I dont know why I put myself in these situations.
I should learn.
But I wont, so Ill just leave myself open for more pain if there are any takers.

I know Ive been used.

"But its okay because I like the abuse"

So let me bring you up to speed::


That "break" was to ease me into a breakup.
Im apparently a whore who committed unforgivable sins, a liar and a bad person.
Im being replaced with a junior who he met about a week ago.
Im still expected to be a friend.

I have to tell you I have no idea how to balance my emotions which at this precise moment are killing me and running a muck.
I have no idea how I can just be a friend.

Im not getting senior exemptions because Bill has an issue getting me to school on time, therefore Cook has given me 8 referrals in about 2 weeks and I had ISS....He had nothing.

Im not going to finish my math and have to take the final in there half blind and guess on the last section since I have no time to even start the final section.

The only person I want to see, spend time with, or even talk to is on another thought process entirely and thats not making my second guesses and insecurities go away...at all.

My family is under siege by a psychotic young man who in all seriousness wants to kill all of us. He tried to kill me on Easter Sunday...its no picnic.

My father is an ass and wont even go to my graduation.
Not that hes ever really been there for me or any of my achievements at all, ever, in my entire life.

My friends are dwindling and I have to go through the process of making more.
Praying my summer isnt like last year.

There are a lot of things I wish I had done differently.
I cant take anything back or I would.
I cant erase what I did.
But I didnt do it alone, he had a part too...so why am I alone being punished?
I cant change things.
I cant take away the pain or I would.
Im not perfect.
Never have been, never will be.
I made and make mistakes and Im sorry.
More than you could ever imagine.
I have to live with what I did until I die... you can eventually let it go.

Im carrying a lot around on my plate.
A plate which happens to be cracked and breaking, but in my usual fashion I wont lessen what I have because I dont want to be a burden on anyone else.

Welcome to my personal Hell Hole.
Get out while you can.

ABC123

Life just keeps getting better and better here.
From stalkers, to firemen, to ex's being ass holes my life is anything and everything but normal.
So lets do this in a chronological-ish way.....
1)Wesley was IN MY HOOD 2 nights ago. Im losing sleep now.
2)Bill's car broke down thismorning on the way to get me..I stayed home again.
3)Bill is being a jerk. Hes apparently had enough of CC and wants to leave everyone behind which Im sure includes me..but I was left a while ago [50 days on the 22nd actually]
4)Fireman/security guard at Target wanted my number, got it from and ex's gf and thinks Im pretty...joy.
5)Graduation is far away
6)I may have to party like its 1899 before Thursday.


The only really good thing is its Fishbowl Friday tonight and Charlie and I are going to rock it like its 1990...haha I wasnt even alive yet, and neither was he in '90..were '91 babies.
Im actually really excited.
My frist club with an awesome friend.
A night out that I desperately need.
and an awesome new memory =]
Life will be good for at least a few hours.

=]
Peace out Gril Scout.