A rant

Life is a crazy thing. One day I love every second of it. I laugh, I love, I enjoy. Then there are days like today, when I feel like everything is broken, ruined, and worthless.
I keep bipolar flipping through moods today like I need some lithium. I have had a terrible past few days, and things keep adding on to make the next day worse than the one before, and its maddening.
I have figured some things out today, which I had always suspected, but had no validation, and no its not a good thing.
I have felt like an outsider. I felt as if I was just watching life happen around me all day today, and I wanted no part in the festivities. I listened as my brother mouthed off to my mother, then his and just walk away from them- I didn't even have the energy to get irritated about the way he acts. I watched people in a restaurant eat and talk, and pretended like I was all there, but I felt like I wasn't. I watched my mom get hurt by her father again, like I have been my mine as recently as yesterday. I just sat around in my own head and thought about nothing and everything. It is not an activity I do often, it isn't good for me.

While alone in my head I thought about fathers and what their supposed to mean. Are they not supposed to love thy child? Care for them, be there, keep them safe and warm? Is that not what we are told? If it is then where is mine? Where is the love that I deserve? Where is the pride in all that I have done with myself? Where is the concern for my well being [other than to call me and ask me if I have a "weight problem" and that I "Look like shit"]? My father has never been there for me other than Thursday afternoons when I was tiny and we picked up his paycheck and then went to NAPA auto parts for the rest of the day. As I hear more about my grandfather, I wonder if that's where mom got the criteria for my father. I know little about the man who is partly responsible for the wickedly tremendous woman I have as a mom, but what I have heard has hurt me. He hurt my grandmother who I love more than anything on this earth. He has hurt my mother who I love equally to grandma, and in hurting mommy, he hurts Laurie and myself. I don't find that very benevolent. I'm not sure what to think about it, so I try not to dwell.

My mind is an unorganized drawer of paper and mess. I have a lot of things I'm not sure how to handle, a lot of emotions and situations and I don't know what to do with myself. I am just here for whatever reason, recently, its to be every ones punching bag.
Such is life
Kathryn