Life is a crazy thing. One day I love every second of it. I laugh, I love, I enjoy. Then there are days like today, when I feel like everything is broken, ruined, and worthless.
I keep bipolar flipping through moods today like I need some lithium. I have had a terrible past few days, and things keep adding on to make the next day worse than the one before, and its maddening.
I have figured some things out today, which I had always suspected, but had no validation, and no its not a good thing.
I have felt like an outsider. I felt as if I was just watching life happen around me all day today, and I wanted no part in the festivities. I listened as my brother mouthed off to my mother, then his and just walk away from them- I didn't even have the energy to get irritated about the way he acts. I watched people in a restaurant eat and talk, and pretended like I was all there, but I felt like I wasn't. I watched my mom get hurt by her father again, like I have been my mine as recently as yesterday. I just sat around in my own head and thought about nothing and everything. It is not an activity I do often, it isn't good for me.
While alone in my head I thought about fathers and what their supposed to mean. Are they not supposed to love thy child? Care for them, be there, keep them safe and warm? Is that not what we are told? If it is then where is mine? Where is the love that I deserve? Where is the pride in all that I have done with myself? Where is the concern for my well being [other than to call me and ask me if I have a "weight problem" and that I "Look like shit"]? My father has never been there for me other than Thursday afternoons when I was tiny and we picked up his paycheck and then went to NAPA auto parts for the rest of the day. As I hear more about my grandfather, I wonder if that's where mom got the criteria for my father. I know little about the man who is partly responsible for the wickedly tremendous woman I have as a mom, but what I have heard has hurt me. He hurt my grandmother who I love more than anything on this earth. He has hurt my mother who I love equally to grandma, and in hurting mommy, he hurts Laurie and myself. I don't find that very benevolent. I'm not sure what to think about it, so I try not to dwell.
My mind is an unorganized drawer of paper and mess. I have a lot of things I'm not sure how to handle, a lot of emotions and situations and I don't know what to do with myself. I am just here for whatever reason, recently, its to be every ones punching bag.
Such is life
Kathryn
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Thursday, May 28, 2009
SuperMassiveBlackHole
I dont know how I let it happen again;
I'm falling for my best friend all over.
I thought it would stop in January when he and I got back together, that things would go back to just friends no feelings.
Now that he smothered my heart you have taken up the light, you were there for me, and all I want to do now is be there for you, and I dont know how I passed you up then, or why its so bad now...
FML.
I'm falling for my best friend all over.
I thought it would stop in January when he and I got back together, that things would go back to just friends no feelings.
Now that he smothered my heart you have taken up the light, you were there for me, and all I want to do now is be there for you, and I dont know how I passed you up then, or why its so bad now...
FML.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Money Talks.
Im sorry I wasnt born a crisp, green bill fold.
I think, maybe if I was, my father would care more about me.
He called me today pretending to care about whats going on in my life and to make sure I
"understand why he cant make it to graduation".
So pretty much so I dont think hes a schmuck.
He asked to speak with my mom, which is never going to end well.
From the couch I could hear her side, defending me and being the wonderful mom I wish everyone had.
I could tell from her end it was, once again, making this about money.
If he really thought this was important he would make the effort.
I know this.
He knows this.
Mom knows this.
His surgery for his shoulder is in three days, but because of it he cant make it to graduation.
Im not sure if hes seen a calender in a while but graduation is 2 weeks from today.
That means he has 11 days to suck it up and get on a plane for 2 hours..sit through the 4 hour ceremony, pretend to be proud of me, and then can go home to his "real family".
I knew in the 5th grade he would never be at my high school graduation.
I knew it then and I expected it now, but I allowed myself to hope, again.
And as of late just about anything I had hope in was a total and complete failure, blowing up in my face.
I dont know why I put myself in these situations.
I should learn.
But I wont, so Ill just leave myself open for more pain if there are any takers.
I think, maybe if I was, my father would care more about me.
He called me today pretending to care about whats going on in my life and to make sure I
"understand why he cant make it to graduation".
So pretty much so I dont think hes a schmuck.
He asked to speak with my mom, which is never going to end well.
From the couch I could hear her side, defending me and being the wonderful mom I wish everyone had.
I could tell from her end it was, once again, making this about money.
If he really thought this was important he would make the effort.
I know this.
He knows this.
Mom knows this.
His surgery for his shoulder is in three days, but because of it he cant make it to graduation.
Im not sure if hes seen a calender in a while but graduation is 2 weeks from today.
That means he has 11 days to suck it up and get on a plane for 2 hours..sit through the 4 hour ceremony, pretend to be proud of me, and then can go home to his "real family".
I knew in the 5th grade he would never be at my high school graduation.
I knew it then and I expected it now, but I allowed myself to hope, again.
And as of late just about anything I had hope in was a total and complete failure, blowing up in my face.
I dont know why I put myself in these situations.
I should learn.
But I wont, so Ill just leave myself open for more pain if there are any takers.
I know Ive been used.
So let me bring you up to speed::
That "break" was to ease me into a breakup.
Im apparently a whore who committed unforgivable sins, a liar and a bad person.
Im being replaced with a junior who he met about a week ago.
Im still expected to be a friend.
I have to tell you I have no idea how to balance my emotions which at this precise moment are killing me and running a muck.
I have no idea how I can just be a friend.
Im not getting senior exemptions because Bill has an issue getting me to school on time, therefore Cook has given me 8 referrals in about 2 weeks and I had ISS....He had nothing.
Im not going to finish my math and have to take the final in there half blind and guess on the last section since I have no time to even start the final section.
The only person I want to see, spend time with, or even talk to is on another thought process entirely and thats not making my second guesses and insecurities go away...at all.
My family is under siege by a psychotic young man who in all seriousness wants to kill all of us. He tried to kill me on Easter Sunday...its no picnic.
My father is an ass and wont even go to my graduation.
Not that hes ever really been there for me or any of my achievements at all, ever, in my entire life.
My friends are dwindling and I have to go through the process of making more.
Praying my summer isnt like last year.
There are a lot of things I wish I had done differently.
I cant take anything back or I would.
I cant erase what I did.
But I didnt do it alone, he had a part too...so why am I alone being punished?
I cant change things.
I cant take away the pain or I would.
Im not perfect.
Never have been, never will be.
I made and make mistakes and Im sorry.
More than you could ever imagine.
I have to live with what I did until I die... you can eventually let it go.
Im carrying a lot around on my plate.
A plate which happens to be cracked and breaking, but in my usual fashion I wont lessen what I have because I dont want to be a burden on anyone else.
Welcome to my personal Hell Hole.
Get out while you can.
Friday, May 15, 2009
ABC123
Life just keeps getting better and better here.
From stalkers, to firemen, to ex's being ass holes my life is anything and everything but normal.
So lets do this in a chronological-ish way.....
1)Wesley was IN MY HOOD 2 nights ago. Im losing sleep now.
2)Bill's car broke down thismorning on the way to get me..I stayed home again.
3)Bill is being a jerk. Hes apparently had enough of CC and wants to leave everyone behind which Im sure includes me..but I was left a while ago [50 days on the 22nd actually]
4)Fireman/security guard at Target wanted my number, got it from and ex's gf and thinks Im pretty...joy.
5)Graduation is far away
6)I may have to party like its 1899 before Thursday.
The only really good thing is its Fishbowl Friday tonight and Charlie and I are going to rock it like its 1990...haha I wasnt even alive yet, and neither was he in '90..were '91 babies.
Im actually really excited.
My frist club with an awesome friend.
A night out that I desperately need.
and an awesome new memory =]
Life will be good for at least a few hours.
=]
Peace out Gril Scout.
From stalkers, to firemen, to ex's being ass holes my life is anything and everything but normal.
So lets do this in a chronological-ish way.....
1)Wesley was IN MY HOOD 2 nights ago. Im losing sleep now.
2)Bill's car broke down thismorning on the way to get me..I stayed home again.
3)Bill is being a jerk. Hes apparently had enough of CC and wants to leave everyone behind which Im sure includes me..but I was left a while ago [50 days on the 22nd actually]
4)Fireman/security guard at Target wanted my number, got it from and ex's gf and thinks Im pretty...joy.
5)Graduation is far away
6)I may have to party like its 1899 before Thursday.
The only really good thing is its Fishbowl Friday tonight and Charlie and I are going to rock it like its 1990...haha I wasnt even alive yet, and neither was he in '90..were '91 babies.
Im actually really excited.
My frist club with an awesome friend.
A night out that I desperately need.
and an awesome new memory =]
Life will be good for at least a few hours.
=]
Peace out Gril Scout.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Oy.
While reading my moms blog Id figure Id start this one again, and or when I remember.
Things have pretty much sucked for the last month, from the view point of an eighteen year old girl.
Bill asked for a break, and its breaking my heart; but Im surviving and such. He says we'll be together again, but as for when, I dont know, and Im sure he doesnt either.
Prom is in a few weeks and Im really excited.
My last event as a senior in high school- save for graduation which I am working my ass off for. Im doing really well in my classes, but finding it harder to care, put fourth ample effort and not be cynical and rude to everyone but I digress.
My math is almost done, this section and one more. Im worried I wont get it all done in time before the seniors leave, so I may have to hang around and bust it out before graduation. Staying home sick today didnt really help.
Drama of the highschool cespool hasnt gotten any nicer. I thought it had reached its level cap at death threats and rumors. I was wrong. But Ive learned to let go a little at a time. Im over Veronica and all the drama she brought into my life. 5th...6th...7th(?) times the charm? At least Im learning.
I have changed a lot, I noticed, but Im not sure its all bad. I was told that Im meaner, dont care about people anymore...and thats untrue. I will still put others before myself, but Im not going to cater to everyone anymore. I despise rather heavily about 89% of my senior class and underclassmen therefore I see no point in jumping through hoops to help them. Im not going to lay down and die for everyone anymore. Did it a long time and lied to myself that it wasnt as bad as all of that...when it really was.
Im trying to make my way in the world and its not all sunshine and rainbows. Some of us actally have to work for what we want, it wont present itself on a silver platter for me to grab and place. Life isnt always fun and I can see why mommy and laurie say there is no amount of money that could entice them to return. Im ready to be out. Im done with Mariner and almost everyone in it. I want to move in, go to college, reach my goals and grow as a person, leave my mark on the world. I want to have friends again..real ones, that I can trust. Barbie always had to buy her friends, and they still sucked..welcome to my life as of late. Im messy, unorganized, loud, melodramatic, happy, pissed, depressed, bi-polar and all kinds of other things and a lot of the time I do like me.
Learning sucks. But Im taking it all in and making the best of it...its getting easier day by day.
Enough of me now.
Kathryn
Things have pretty much sucked for the last month, from the view point of an eighteen year old girl.
Bill asked for a break, and its breaking my heart; but Im surviving and such. He says we'll be together again, but as for when, I dont know, and Im sure he doesnt either.
Prom is in a few weeks and Im really excited.
My last event as a senior in high school- save for graduation which I am working my ass off for. Im doing really well in my classes, but finding it harder to care, put fourth ample effort and not be cynical and rude to everyone but I digress.
My math is almost done, this section and one more. Im worried I wont get it all done in time before the seniors leave, so I may have to hang around and bust it out before graduation. Staying home sick today didnt really help.
Drama of the highschool cespool hasnt gotten any nicer. I thought it had reached its level cap at death threats and rumors. I was wrong. But Ive learned to let go a little at a time. Im over Veronica and all the drama she brought into my life. 5th...6th...7th(?) times the charm? At least Im learning.
I have changed a lot, I noticed, but Im not sure its all bad. I was told that Im meaner, dont care about people anymore...and thats untrue. I will still put others before myself, but Im not going to cater to everyone anymore. I despise rather heavily about 89% of my senior class and underclassmen therefore I see no point in jumping through hoops to help them. Im not going to lay down and die for everyone anymore. Did it a long time and lied to myself that it wasnt as bad as all of that...when it really was.
Im trying to make my way in the world and its not all sunshine and rainbows. Some of us actally have to work for what we want, it wont present itself on a silver platter for me to grab and place. Life isnt always fun and I can see why mommy and laurie say there is no amount of money that could entice them to return. Im ready to be out. Im done with Mariner and almost everyone in it. I want to move in, go to college, reach my goals and grow as a person, leave my mark on the world. I want to have friends again..real ones, that I can trust. Barbie always had to buy her friends, and they still sucked..welcome to my life as of late. Im messy, unorganized, loud, melodramatic, happy, pissed, depressed, bi-polar and all kinds of other things and a lot of the time I do like me.
Learning sucks. But Im taking it all in and making the best of it...its getting easier day by day.
Enough of me now.
Kathryn
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